


Low Men in Yellow Coats

by ssa_archivist



Category: Smallville
Genre: Alternate Universe, Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-10-07
Updated: 2002-10-07
Packaged: 2017-11-01 05:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,274
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/352705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ssa_archivist/pseuds/ssa_archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex doesn't ice skate.<br/>*Written for the Slodwick's Stephen King Challenge*</p>
            </blockquote>





	Low Men in Yellow Coats

## Low Men in Yellow Coats

by zahra

<http://www.obsessedmuch.net/dysfunctional>

* * *

The first sign of the apocalypse is the knit hat on Lex's head. 

Lex does not wear hats with pom-poms or bright colors and fuzz. He wears purple and black and gray, and on one occasion green boxers with shamrocks, but it was St. Patrick's Day and he was drunk and high and in Chicago. People in Chicago dye their river to celebrate, so even Lex had to give them credit; but the hat doesn't even match Lex's leather gloves or his coat. He's almost _clashing_ ; somewhere in Milan a fashion designer is going into apoplectic shock. 

True, he's been known to wear white socks at the gym and blue or green shirts every now and then but that's generally due to a need for variation. Lex _never_ would have agreed to wear this hat if Clark hadn't mentioned something about frostbite. It has stripes, it's red and yellow; Lex looks like a giant Crows mascot. However, now that he thinks about it, perhaps that was his sign _not_ to wear the hat. 

Maybe Clark wanted to rub his head and make it all better. 

The things Lex does to get in the pants of a certain sixteen year-old boy would be shameful if Lex actually had any shame left. This certain sixteen year-old boy better appreciate all of Lex's efforts, because damnit, Lex is actually _making_ an effort - in a hat, in the winter, in the snow. 

It's too fucking cold for all this nonsense. 

Lex is a spring baby; and forget his ears, if his dick freezes and falls off, Clark is going to have _a lot_ of explaining to do. 

"It's too cold for this, Clark. It's too cold for anything involving the outdoors." Except sex, and here they are on this convenient park bench. Why is Clark leaving then? Why is Clark heading for that great big frozen popsicle of a lake? 

Why are there little yellow people howling like dogs, and doing lutzes and loops and other things that Lex's mom used to watch on the Olympics? God, Lex hasn't even fallen down yet, and already he's hallucinating. His urine tests can't prove a damn thing, and these kids must practice every day. These kids must get fed after midnight; they seem to be multiplying before his eyes like Gremlins. Lex does not want to learn to ice skate in front of them. 

"Stop being such a baby, Lex. You're acting like you've never been outside after it snows." 

A baby. Pardon? 

"I am _not_ being a baby, Mr. Freeze, it's cold. Perhaps you're impervious to this sort of weather but most of the planet isn't." Unless they have fur coats, go around on all fours, or eat seals for breakfast. 

"It's not that bad." 

Not that bad? Perhaps Clark would feel differently if Lex stripped him naked and left him outside overnight. No, that wouldn't work because if Lex could even get his hands on a naked Clark, the last thing he would do is let him out of his sight. Lex would never be able to leave a naked Clark outside or inside or anyplace where he wasn't directly within Lex's grasp. 

Christ, Clark is even messing with Lex's sense of vengeance. Soon there'll be nothing left of Lex the Evil, Scion and Heir of the Bastard of Metropolis. 

Long may he reign. Or not. 

"This from the man who looks like Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer?" 

"I do not, do I?" 

Actually, Clark does, but in a very perverse kind of way that makes Lex want to rub Clark's nose and then rub Clark's other things. It's Lex's civic duty to make sure Clark doesn't get frostbite in his nether regions, and only Clark could look this hot in single digit temperatures. 

"I thought global warming was supposed to negate this sort of weather. Whatever happened to El Nino?" 

"He went on vacation." 

"Perhaps he needs to come out of retirement. I wonder how much it would cost..." 

"Don't even think about it, Lex." 

How can Lex not think about it? It's bribery; it's an innate second thought. It's like asking Lex not to breathe. 

"You really like this weather, Clark?" 

"Of course, I do. It's Christmas time, Lex. You know, snow and Christmas carols and presents and..." Of course, the presents, now they're talking. It's all about the gifts; Lex has got to get that damn truck out of his garage. 

"Don't forget the invitation to kiss whomever you want." 

" _What_?" Does Clark look a little flushed? Must be the weather. 

"Mistletoe, Clark. I know you've heard of it, even out here. A little green plant, not under the heading of Class B drugs. You know, every teenage boy's dream come true." 

"I don't - I mean we... I try not to get stuck in too many doorways." Ah, that explains why Clark's still single. 

"I'm sure Lana has some at the Talon." 

"Yeah, probably... So, are you getting off that bench anytime soon?" What a way to not change a subject smoothly. Clark needs more lessons, it's a good thing Lex likes him. It's a good thing Lex likes him _a lot_. 

"There's no rush for me to go anywhere when your mother has sent along this thermos of hot chocolate and -" Lex thought Clark was the sharing kind. He never took Clark for a snatching kind of guy. 

Maybe that was just wishful thinking. 

"Nuh uh. Not until you hit the ice." 

Hot chocolate for ransom? 

"What is this, hockey boot camp?" 

"C'mon, Lex. I want to see what you've got." All he had to do was ask. "On the ice." 

Oh. Damnit. 

"Clark, it really is too cold for this. There's no one else out here for a reason." Thank god, there is no way in hell that Lex is embarrassing himself in front of the entire town. Several shrieking banshee children will be more than sufficient humbling for one afternoon. 

"I'll catch you if you fall, promise." 

"I never said anything about falling, Clark." No need to announce what the rest of the planet already knows anyway: Lex Luthor cannot ice skate. He also cannot pat his head and rub his stomach or write with his right hand, but he _can_ tie a cherry stem with his tongue. 

"Lex, please?" 

"No." 

"C'mon, look it's just you, me and the Squirts." 

"Excuse me, the who?" 

"The Smallville Squirt League, you know, youth hockey." 

"Youth hockey. You mean they have _sticks_? I don't see any sticks. I'm not getting on the ice if it's going to turn into a gantlet course." It'll only be a matter of time before they bring out the swing blades and the shivs. 

"It's okay, I think they're just messing around, they won't hurt you. Coach Taylor is probably off judging the snowman competition." 

Snowman competition. It has to be a joke. 

"That's a joke, right? Funny." Really funny. Not. 

"No joke, it's this big thing after the first major storm of the year. Last year Mr. Johnson and Mrs. Laurence got into an argument because she said he stole her carrot." 

Stole her carrot. It must be a euphemism. 

"I'll bet he did." 

"You'll bet he did what?" 

"Nothing, Clark. Nothing at all. Back to this particular horror that you're exposing me to today. I understand your quest to make me more of a country boy, but I think perhaps I'll take the other option." 

"There isn't another option, Lex." 

"There's always another option, Clark, maybe one involving flannel." It's a sad day when Lex Luthor would rather associate himself with flannel than be outside attempting to ice skate, but Lex has his pride. 

His pride will go before he lands on his ass. 

"No flannel, stop hesitating. C'mon, Lex." 

"Is this even safe?" 

"I don't believe _you_ are inquiring about the safety of ice skating. This from a man who goes into hostage situations and takes off his bulletproof vest? This from a guy who goes double any posted speed limit and drives off of bridges? This from the guy --" 

"I get the point. And that's all different." Those are all Clark-related instances. 

"You've had too many head traumas." 

"And you haven't had enough." 

"Is that a threat?" 

"You're the one holding the hot chocolate hostage, what do you think?" 

"I think if you want it, you'll have to come and get it." Ah, now they're talking a language that Lex knows: cat and mouse, seducer and seducee, legal and not. 

Lex does not speak ice-skating. He does not speak Kansas winter. This is not going to go well. Shit. Ice-skating? How did he get himself into this mess? He is _not_ going to fall. He's not slipping, but he is going to brain one of those kids if they come too close. 

Ending up on his knees is not the same as falling on his posterior. 

"Couldn't you be interested in sports of the indoor variety, Clark?" 

Like rock-climbing, or sex. 

"See, that's good, here - just let me help --." 

"No. No, no, and no. I'm just fine." 

"Okay, I can take a hint. Anyway, you can be inside anytime, Lex. It's a beautiful day, you need to be outside in the fresh air, not cooped up in the castle like Rapunzel." 

"Rapunzel. I don't think I'd meet the hair requirement, Clark." 

"I didn't mean -" 

"Besides, I don't look good in pink taffeta." Which is true - Lex looks much better in pink satin. No one looks good in pink taffeta. 

"I only meant - I wasn't trying to imply anything, you know." Ah yes, Lex knows this look well. Clark Kent Mood #12 - Sulking Clark. 

"I thought it would be a nice change, Lex." God, Clark sounds like his mom. 

"Thank you, Mrs. Kent. I didn't know you were so invested in my well-being, but I assure you I get plenty of exercise." Especially if masturbation can be considered a new sport. 

If Lex didn't jerk off, he might have doubts about his ability to get it up anymore. Actually that's not true. Lex has been drunk, stoned, high, bound and still had no problems with performance. 

"I'm not say you don't, I just think you should be seen around." 

That's code for 'be seen falling on his ass.' Christ. Is that what it takes around here? Smallville is sadistic; Lex knew this when he was sent here, but he is not going to take Clark's hand for help. If he's going to fall he'll do it himself. 

Ah, well. 

"Are you all right, that looked painful?" 

"I'm fine. Just fine." Lex won't be able to sit down for a few hours, but it's nothing in comparison to quality time with a dom in charge of a whip and Viagra. 

"Do you want --" Something Clark said caused him to smile, but Lex can't tell what because the Squirt brigade is mooing like a heard of cows caught in a tornado. If they're laughing at him he'll make sure they all end up as fish food. 

" _No_." 

"Okay, I was just offering." 

"There are going to be cookies when this is over, right?" Lex will suffer a lot of indignities for a plate of Mrs. Kent's sugar cookies with the green sprinkles. 

"Yes, sir." 

"There better be. Explain to me again this need to drag me out into the elements? I have a DVD player and a plasma screen, I can _simulate_ the elements." 

"No, Lex." 

"And the new Xbox..." 

"No, Lex." 

"I have a perfectly good treadmill you know." 

"It's not the same as this." 

"As what? Freezing to death in the great outdoors?" On a list of 101 Ways to Kick the Bucket it's not the worst. It's certainly not mutant-related, and it's less messy than falling out a helicopter, but it's very humbling, in a bad way. Still there's Clark. Clark can keep him warm. 

"You're not going to freeze to death, Lex." Maybe if Lex goes into shock, Clark will perform CPR again. Hmmm. 

"Can you offer me a guarantee to that effect?" 

"I can offer you something to that effect." It must be the screaming children messing with Lex's hearing, he couldn't sworn Clark said 'sex to that effect.' 

"I'm holding you to that guarantee, as long as one of those little ice demons doesn't do me in first." 

The second sign of the apocalypse is the devil's minions scurrying around with blades on their feet and chattering in their high pitched shrieking voices. They're celebrating the end of the world in yellow puffer coats while Lex's ass is going numb. 

This bit of knowledge is quite further down the list than 'disturbing' and could be qualified under the 'seek sexual gratification to rectify immediately' section. 

Lex generally likes children, but these are not children. These are demons on ice because hell hath frozen over. 

If Lex is attempting to ice skate, then hell most definitely has frozen over, and obviously he didn't get the memo on this. He'll have to make some phone calls when he gets home. There was a time when Lex was in the inner circle of hell, there was a time when Lex _was_ the inner circle - ah, the good old bad days. 

It takes a lot of work to get kicked out of Hell, but Lex has never been one to half-ass it. 

If he's going down, he's taking somebody with him. 

"I can't believe I agreed to do this with you. Explain to me how you convinced me to do this again?" 

"It's called a Christmas present, Lex. I asked you to go and you said yes." 

"But I could've just bought you -" 

"Bought me what?" A truck, an ice rink, Antarctica? 

"Something, anything. You know I have this great big frozen lake in my backyard, Clark. Why am I out here at Evan's Pond?" 

"Because you need to get _away_ from the castle, Lex, not just out of it." 

"That's not it at all, you just want to embarrass me in front of as many people as possible." 

"Well, that too." 

Fuck that, Lex is going to figure out how the hell to do this. Science can explain everything and there is some sort of reasoning behind this whole ice skating lark. Lex just has to distribute his weight, or grab on to Clark because falling on his ass, again, will be the third sign of the apocalypse and frankly, Lex just really isn't up for the world ending today. 

It's too fucking cold and he _still_ hasn't fucked Clark. Truth be told, Lex hasn't even _kissed_ Clark yet, and it's all so sad. It's too sad. It's about as sad as twenty-one year old man trying to learn to ice skate while Satan's minions dart back and forth like loose tennis balls. 

When hell returns to normal, Lex will make them all pay. 

"And to think I call you my friend. I can see I'll have to start looking at other applicants for the position." Or at least Lex will once he gets up off the ice. 

"I fell, again. It's your fault." 

"How is it my fault? I tried to offer you my arm, but you're stubborn. And anyway, I don't think your other applicants would help you up. You should be grateful, I could leave you here." 

"If you leave me here, I will never forgive you. I can't believe you're threatening me, now I'm definitely looking at other applicants." As soon as he gets up off the ice. 

His ass is really getting cold after all these sprawls. He should've worn the long coat instead of the jacket. He sees this now. 

"Here, give me your hand." 

God, this is so embarrassing, even Satan's minions are finding this hysterical. If one of them comes any closer Lex will make it his mission in life to push said minion headfirst into the snow. 

"You know, sometimes people say 'thank you' after someone does something nice for them." Yes, and sometimes Lex gets his cock sucked, but he doesn't tend to say thank you then, either. 

" _Thank_ you." Because it's all Clark's fault in the first damn place. 

"You could at least try to sound grateful." 

"Thank you, you great big savior of a man. I don't know what I would have done without you to rescue me from this ignominy that I've been forced to suffer at _your_ hands, I might add." 

"There's no reason to get snarky, you know." 

"You purposely take me out here to embarrass me, you compare me to Rapunzel, and now you begrudge me getting sarcastic. What's the next liberty you're planning to deprive me of?" 

No, not that. 

"If you drink all the hot chocolate, I will never speak to you again." 

Lex really means it this time. Not even if Clark grins at him like that and licks his lips and shows his really white teeth and, shit. 

Watching Clark put the thermos in his pocket is sexy. Seeing Clark breathe is sexy. Lex is so hopeless, and Clark is a minion of Satan. Clark must be the spawn of Satan, which would make them related and that can't be right at all. 

"You might find this easier if you use your legs instead of your brain, Lex." 

"Talk fast, before I take you down too." 

"I just mean you have to push, you know, use the blades on the bottom of the boot. You need to push more and talk less." 

That sounds a lot like sex talk to Lex. Maybe it's foreplay. It must be _something_ though because Lex is doing it, Lex is skating, or gliding. 

At the very least, he's not on his ass. 

"Tell me again why I'm the one being subjected to this humiliation when you have other friends? Where are Pete and Chloe? What about the lovely Miss Lang? I bet you'd like to take her for a spin sometime." 

Bitch. 

"Chloe's covering the snowman competition, Pete's with her. Oh, and Lana's doing some sort of special at the Talon involving marshmallows and whipped cream." 

Yes, Lana certainly does seem to like her whipped cream. Not in a million years did Lex think she had a kink, but this town is full of surprises. Just as long as she keeps her Redi-Whip away from Clark. 

"Anyway, I can see them anytime, I wanted to take you out today." Take Lex _out_. Out the closet? Out on a date? Lex's imagination is getting away from him faster than his feet. 

"Right, because I'm the dirty, old man in the castle who needs to be humiliated for the public. What are those kids doing?" Okay, well, at least he's the dirty man in the castle. 

"Looks like Red Rover." 

"Isn't that the one where you deliberately try and knock down as many people as possible?" 

"Something like that, do you want to play?" 

"Do I want to stand around so I can be knocked on my ass by some sugar-addled, attention-deficit child? Ask me again, Clark, if I want to play." 

"It was just an idea, you know, considering that we're just standing here and doing nothing. You should at least try a lap or two." They're not doing nothing, Clark is standing there doing nothing, Lex is holding on for dear life. 

"Laps are for the pool, and why is one of Satan's gremlins coming over here?" Lex isn't hiding. He's not good enough on skates to hide, but he can at least pretend. Of course, he can also pretend he's not groping Clark either. 

"Hi, Clark!" It's a kid; Lex can deal with just one. Plus, she's a redhead; Lex knows all about handling redheads, even when they still play with Barbies and persist in flapping their eyes at Clark like a drag queen. Christ, even the pre-pubescents can see how hot Clark is. Lex always knew that puberty made people dumber, but Smallville is the proof. 

"Hi, Dana, are you all having fun?" 

"Yeah, or I will be when I knock Fox on his butt." Dana and Fox? It must be a joke. Of course considering where they are, maybe it's not a joke. 

"I don't think that's very nice, you know." 

"I don't have to be nice to him, Clark, he's my brother." The sweet sound of sibling rivalry, for a moment Lex wishes he could know it a bit better. 

"Oh, well, I don't think -" 

"You're Lex Luthor, aren't you?" 

"Yes, I am, and you are?" 

"Dana Richards. I'm eight years old, and I play goalie for the Smallville Squirt Youth Hockey team. Last year I was on the Mites team, and we placed second in the county, but this year we're going to be first because we rock and because we know how to body check." 

Wow. She's got a mouth on her, but she's also ambitious and plays dirty. Lex likes that. Maybe the Smallville Squirt Youth Hockey team would like a sizeable donation. 

"Are you going to come and play with us, Lex Luthor?" 

"Maybe some other time, Dana, Lex and I were --" 

"I know what you all were doing." She does? Well, could she please explain it to Lex? "My brother has a girlfriend too, but I don't like her. She smells." 

Yes, Lex really likes her. Now he remembers why he likes kids; they can be brutally honest, minions of Satan or not. 

"Well, maybe you should give her a chance, Dana." Of course Clark would say something like that. 

"You sound like my mom, Clark." That's exactly what Lex was thinking. 

"You should listen to your mom, she's a smart woman." 

"Mrs. Nolan said my mom's a nutter -- that's why I kicked her in the shin." Ah, family loyalty. Now Lex _knows_ he likes this girl. 

"Dana, you shouldn't have kicked Mrs. Nolan." 

"Why not? She smells." Oh, this kid is priceless. If Lex can't sponsor her team, he may at least have to watch her play. What's another afternoon of freezing his ass off more or less? 

"Because, Dana. Look, can I get a rain check on playing with you guys?" 

"Sure you can, and next time you can bring your boyfriend too. Bye, Lex!" 

Boyfriend. Boyfriend? What boyfriend? Why is an eight year-old girl winking at Lex? 

"Dana, I -" 

"You better skate after her, Clark, otherwise she'll tell everyone that you're out here with your boyfriend." 

This is the part where Clark is supposed to puff out his chest and assert his masculine heterosexuality, funny how the only thing Lex is hearing is Clark's mumbling being muffled by shrieking yellow demons. 

"I'm sorry, I didn't catch that, Clark." 

"I said no one would believe her." Obviously not, because Clark Kent is the poster boy for all things wholesome and Middle American, but why is he not asserting his straightness? 

"Obviously not, because she's an eight year-old named after a television character. So you're not going to go over there and tell her otherwise?" 

"No one would believe I could get a date, let alone a boyfriend." 

Lex is still waiting for the assertion of Clark's heterosexuality. Funny how a little voice is telling him he'll catch hypothermia first. 

"Clark, is there something you'd like to tell me?" 

"Yes, no, yes. Maybe?" 

"Hmm. Should I let go of you first?" 

"What, no, you don't have to - err, do you want the hot chocolate now?" 

"No, I think the hot chocolate can wait for a minute. I think I'd prefer to hear all about your boyfriend instead." So Lex can order a nice jihad. 

"I don't have a boyfriend, or girlfriend or anything. I just -" 

"If this the part where you tell me you're gay, it's okay. I'm bi, I can take the strain, I promise." Besides, it's not as though Clark can actually feel Lex's death grip on his arm. He's wearing too many layers for that. 

"Actually, no, this was supposed to be the part where I ask you to be my boyfriend." 

Boyfriend. Boy. Friend. Why is Lex having so many problems processing this word? 

"Ah, so we're just skipping the gay part?" 

"Well, kinda. I'm not sure if I'm totally gay, but I don't think anybody could be straight around you, Lex." 

"Are you telling me I _made_ you gay?" Well, now that's a new twist on it, and this is pre-coitus. 

"I'm telling you that you could make the President gay." 

"Well, considering I plan on being president one day, that's not that much of a stretch. But while we're discussing future job opportunities - if I am to take you up on your offer of being your boyfriend - and assuming that your father doesn't dump me in the river - what sort of perks can I expect with this job?" 

Lex is all about the perks. Fast cars, expensive dinners, Lear jets, the best clothes. If he goes out with Clark, he won't be able to give him a car, or buy him clothes, or take him out and show him off. 

Oh, well, Lex is getting too old for that stuff anyway. Jaded and domesticated at twenty-one. 

"Um, well, there's hot chocolate, and cookies, and free produce delivery." 

"I have those already." 

"Oh, well, I can't give you much else. I mean you just get me." God, finally. Lex has been trying for this result since day one. Well, since day one post drowning. 

"Is that it?" 

Lex could do worse. 

"Yeah." 

"Okay." 

"Okay?' 

"Yeah, okay, just hand over the hot chocolate first." 

-fin- 


End file.
